Back in December when I started blogging in earnest, I had a vague plan of building up a following, writing a book and making some money. As time went by, this blog gained a solid focus, a name change and some pretty cool people following it. I’ve been around the internet, reading blogs of other fiction writers. I’ve been having fun even on those days when I don’t write.
When I don’t write. Yeah, some of the people I follow write everyday. They’re working on multiple projects.
I found out recently that my forays into social media have been unproductive. People visit my blog once and only come back if I’ve participated in a linkup – otherwise they never come back. One person even wondered how serious I was about having a writing career with such a poor social media presence.
Most of the fantasy writers I follow are diligently working on books and short stories. They post articles reviewing movies and books, analyzing themes, archetypes, tropes and magic systems.
Other people I follow have college degrees (BA’s and Master’s) in some form of English. They are professional teachers and editors themselves now. Smart people. People who know what they’re doing.
What am I? I have a string of jobs on my resumé, none of which qualify me to be a writer. Grocery store clerk. Retail store manager. Convenience store manager. Machine shop inventory. Grocery store sales flyer proofreader. Auto technician.
I’ve been to three colleges and never finished a semester.
I’m intimidated. I feel stupid. I feel unworthy.
Natural writing talent can only take you so far, but I really don’t know anything about it.
I’m a fraud. A fake.
So, I’m going to do what I do best. What I always do when things get hard or I begin to self-doubt to the point of inaction.
I don’t belong among the likes of such wonderful and excellent people. Jessie Powell who eloquently explained the concept of “Show, don’t tell.” Nicole DeFelice whose blog about her spiritual journey (and other things) is so smart that I feel a fool when I comment on it. Kelly Sajonia who writes, teaches, photographs, runs websites and is a single mom. LB Gale and her analytic articles on all things geek. Cameron Garriepy writing, writing, writing. Lance Burson music expert and prolific writer. Ash Silverlock whose articles on fantasy books are so deep and revealing. The list could go on forever.
I don’t belong here. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I am not as good as you and it’s time to stop faking it.
When I wrote this post this morning, I was in a dark place. One that had been growing darker each day over the past weeks. I have depression and since I am unemployed, I can not afford medications or therapy. I am not apologizing for that. It is who I am.
I had no intention of fishing for compliments or good wishes from anyone. I puked my emotions and thoughts into my laptop, hit publish and then turned the computer off. If I knew how to disable comments on WordPress, I would have.
But I think fate had a hand in what happened today. My lack of 100% understanding of WP allowed you, the people I admire most on the internet, to show me what a fool I am. It had never occurred to me that the feelings of admiration were reciprocal.
As negative as this post is, I am not going to delete it. I’m keeping it as a constant reminder that I do matter to others. That there are people who do care and that I should be grateful for you all.
I am going to do my best to respond to each and every one of you. It is the least I can do in return for what you have done for me.