I had a headache again this morning. The ones you wake up with are always the worst. You can never make them go away. My back was stiff and I can only hope that I haven’t herniated a disk again. I don’t think I have, you can bounce a quarter off my back muscles and it’s not because I go to the gym. Tension, then. Most likely the cause of the constant headaches. That and the tinnitus.
By the time the kids are in bed I am miserable. My wife sees a grumpy man sitting next to her. One who doesn’t listen to her, doesn’t talk to her, one who looks at her as if he just wants her to shut the hell up. Not the case. At that point in the day, if my brain has to process any more information than it takes to keep my body functioning, my head will explode.
Work has suffered this week in both quality and quantity. Promised projects are not finished – some not even started yet – and I believe my reputation is suffering. Forgotten before I am even remembered.
I am so terribly afraid of the commitment involved with writing a book. Of even writing a short story to send out for publication. Blogging has become a comfortable friend. The brevity and ease of it appeals to my long suppressed laziness. Hannah is screaming for her book, Mr Lux insists that he has a short story to tell, has even found some publishers who might be a good fit, but I cover my ears and go, “Blah, blah, blah!”
I am terrified of failure.
It becomes overwhelming each day and I retreat into a book, or more often a video game. I forget, for a time, the fear, uncertainty, the “What right do I have to even do this?” feeling. By the time I feel better, the kids are home from school and they have become an easy excuse because they are “distracting.”
Music, as they say, calms the savage beast. It used to. Now, it makes the headaches worse – doesn’t matter what I’m listening to. Music was my “cure all.” I would instinctively know what to listen to feel better. Not anymore. That fact most certainly makes this whole situation so much worse.
I feel dead inside.
I think the answer may be as simple as just recharging my batteries.
But I don’t know how.
Disclaimer: This is not a “woe is me” post. This is not a cry for “happy comments.” This is just me, working through some shit, and dumping it on your lap.